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[17 Aug 2009|11:31am] |
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post deleted
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[02 Mar 2008|04:20pm] |
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RATS!RATS!RATS! - Deftones |
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I Love People
Who Hate Themselves
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[04 Apr 2007|12:43am] |
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mood |
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 Okay |
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music |
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Slayer - Bitter Peace |
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<i>pass your blame to me
the things your ashamed of must look good on me
i warned you, and you did it anyway
when it all comes back it wont be my fault
all you were was a relief of a number
couldn't make it 2 years and a day
its okay for me because i know you
youll come crawling when your lonely
youll look to me for something
and ill be there ready to take advantage
your nothing to me, so yours is the only heart to break
this time i'll get the last laugh
hearing you explain why.</i>
So it's sort of been a while. I need this now more than ever i guess. I feel so void of all personality i once had. I feel like some blank fucker blending in with everyone. I hate it so fucking much but i don't know what to do. I'm still wading through my foolish ideas of luck and that things that are completely irrelevent to a situation can be a catalyst for change. I havn't stayed sober off pot. I'm living a big lie. I feel sorta bad that I'm doing it cause if I get caught I'll be in a lot of shit, but its the only thing in this world that doesn't make me hate myself, that and therapy .
Therapy is great. I was so nervous my first session cause i didnt know what id hear but it was great. She just kinda asks me how im doing and asks me questions and stuff. It sounds so simple but i dont really have anyone in my life that i can really talk to about all my emotional baggage, which is why im guessing ive gotten so fucked up. Like i had Sam Fox and like Alanna but they are both out of my lives and i dont have anyone to turn to. Not having that therapy for the past week has made me feel like shit and i actually cant wait until the next session.
I turn 19 in a few weeks. I'm so stoked. Lol stoked. But yea i cant wait till i can just go out and buy booze and shit. I love beer and if i get to drink every day ill be estatic.
I don't think I got into college.
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[02 Mar 2007|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Bloodsimple - Falling Backwards |
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she always said how she hates the attitude of high school and that college is so amazing. She is a peice of crap. She always lies just to avoid things. She needs a kick in the face or something. I hope some breaks her hears, cause she sure screwed around with mine.
havnt written here for a bit.
- i got caught
- cant do it again
- as a result im going crazy
- though im clean i still love her
lemme repeat
I
L O V E
Y O U
M A R R Y
J A N E ! ! ! ! ! ! !
on a better not im fuckin gettin drunk with dave tonight1
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[08 Feb 2007|01:35am] |
what the fuck
do you expect of me
who the fuck am i in your head
cause i know im shit to u
throw it all
reset it once again
cause we all know in a year
well be back again
doesnt it always happen like this
i miss the boat, and drown completely
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[07 Feb 2007|12:09am] |
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i gotta learn that theres no formula, no way of controling stuff. gah
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| i wrote a half decent song, the first in months! (well atleast part of 1) i think its called Say Goodbye [and Run] |
[06 Feb 2007|02:18pm] |
lets have a drink, like before
flip through and say who you hate
your head in my lap, ur words on my lips
cmon lets have another one
go ahead and change, change again
ill be here same as always, bathing in indiference
ill always be here
i always have
youve lost count, though i never could
ur eyes lost in the mess, far from me
glanceing doesnt work
i dont need a crutch for my new legg
lets waste the next 5 like we did the first
this is the hard part
where can i let it be, run and say goobye
theres no need to lie now
just say it please, just say it
the tip toes only make marks, the words rip it quick
just tell me its done, say goodbye and run
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[29 Jan 2007|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Incubus - A Kiss To Send Us Off |
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I Hate:
Living
Being Alive
Existing
Conciousness
Unconciousness
Future
Present
i dunno. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This journal is like screaming out for help in an empty building.
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[28 Jan 2007|12:53pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight |
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My life is absolute shit.
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[11 Jan 2007|12:30am] |
everything ends, through frosted class we pretend
that the enemy we hate, becomes our greatest friend
with horns of pride, we butt heads and pretend im important
with horns of pride, you announce my shortcomings to hide ur discontent
you stole it then, you steal it still
confidence, pride, and my general will
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[23 Dec 2006|04:36pm] |
Overwhelming enjoyment, so deliciously stripped
confidence is a joke, when it leaves: you're nothing
you fucking bitch, it was always about you
i cant believe i sold myself out again, im such a fucking disgrace
no food, no theta not a single chew you made me wait way to much
so thats how it starts waiting waiting waiting for silence.
it seemed to snowball, struck my knees and start the fall
hate on my mind, always hate, hate and boredom
what a vicious fucking cycle
couldnt cut it as a slave, and i guess thats the beginning
my worlds falling more each day, give me a taste of some fucking clarity
day after day im living in shit
it fills my room till it covers my head
can breath, cant move, cant think
im as retarded as the missing link
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| damacles rises a blade above me |
[20 Nov 2006|02:20am] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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Alexisonfire - It Was Fear Of Myself That Made Me Odd |
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the last couple of days has fucked with me beyond belief. things feel good right now and i hope it sticks for at least a little while, thats all i can hope for right now, right? Ive been listening to Watch Out by Alexisonfire alot lately. Like you know how theres sections of ur life that are represented by a sound? I guess the sound of the last couple of months would have to be Alexisonfire. The only difference between now and any other time ive been really fucked up, depressed, is that i havnt been thinking of killing myself. I dont really see that as an option at all because i cant do it without knowing whats next. And i still wanna live just not like this. Ive been so alone and it usually helps when ur feeling alone and depressed and scared and hurt and just dead inside to have someone, a friend, who feels bad to. Someone to build a unicursal relationship with where eachother share your problems and u can at least get it out or cry or something. Thats been my main problem, theres no one. When i see my friends all of them seem fulfilled and happy, and it just made me feel more alone.
i couldnt stand another failier. another thing i deserved going to the hands of the people around me. i dont think i could take it. When it gets to the point where im crying at work thats when i know its bad. When i had to go to of all people my mom to get it out there. I just sat there and got out everything, everything thats fucked with me from my 2 years without a relationship to me constant failure to the unfair way the band tried to kick me out and the feelings of resentment and hurt i get from them. Just everything. i hadnt cried like that in....a long fucking time. and i needed it. badly. and im so happy i could finally do it, and i just wish i could have done it sooner. and that day i knew i needed it. i needed to show myself that even though every force in the universe was against me i could still get at least one thing i wanted. and i finally did. I waited 18 hours in 1 chair. infront of Walmart. probibly the best 18 hours of my life.
i made new friends, i was called a nerd and had water baloons and eggs thrown at me but it didnt phase me, i knew i would be getting a wii. something ive waited for and wanted for so long. It may be silly that clarity could be found in a video game console but it was. and that moment i actually held it in my hands i was more happy than ive been in a lonnng fuckin time.
i collide with billions but never touch one
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[17 Nov 2006|01:05am] |
I
AM
SO
ALONE
..........................help?
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[14 Nov 2006|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Fall The Loss - Useless |
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So stuff has been a mixture of pretty good and extremely gay. Lets get the gay out of the way shall we??
I miss my friends like horribly. I hate not having those people to talk to anymore like everything in my head just stays in my head and doesnt get to leave my mouth. Im pretty sure alot of this bullshit im feeling right now would feel so much better if i just had someone i could open up and talk to. Like i used to talk to Nicole alot about things but i dont even see her anymore only at school for like 5 seconds which is gay as hell. I dont really see my other friends because of my job and shit too. Gah i just dont want them to eventually forget about me and then i have no one. i think thats my biggest fear being completely alone. i really miss them. gah.
so im almost at the 2 year mark of not doing anything with a female. Well i did kiss Sarra like once or twice but i dont really count it. i hate that.
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[29 Oct 2006|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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good |
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In Flames - Scream |
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Wow it's been more than a month since I've written in here which is pretty weird considering. Well i guess I've been really busy with my new job. Its an easy job but i dont get payed enough 7.75 is nothing compared to the 9.00ph i was making at Coops. Ill keep my ear to the ground for new jobs.
So the last month has definitely been a rollercoaster. Not really on the outside but more on the inside. I dont really let it show anymore how weird i feel ive found ways to glaze my outside over with positivity. I cant wait till something happens to take my mind off of this crap. It also doesn't help that all my friends are getting even better and more positive bah. I need a friend whos confused and fucked up.
I hate when people tell me to have confidence with myself. But as i see it theres such a fine line between confidence and cockyness and ive never wanted to be cocky. Like i dont wanna be like beason, sure hes one of my best friends and love him to shit but the way he talks about himself and what he does as god like deturrs me from ever wanting to be confident. I like having insecurities it keeps my head straight so i dont get headstrong and bastardly. alright im out.
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| lyrics |
[26 Sep 2006|01:03am] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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music |
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Korn - Shoots and Ladders |
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Where can I find motivation
just to rise to the next sunless shine
It just gets colder as the layers go on
I drive, walk whatever, all the same effort
Maybe the songs will sooth my nerves
maybe today it will take control
or the goon inside will release itself
the child inside crying in the corner
i cant go one constantly thinking
unconcious conversations just getting louder
the ostentatious fools around me
showboating to no one, why?
i would hear tomorrow will be better
but it seems to be getting worse
whatever happened to: karma
getting what i deserve, living without fear
seems to be fear crawls to me
through open windows
never knowing if
the ones i love conspire
work behind my back, talking crap, hating me
the pressure i build in my self just building more
give just some reassurance that someones there
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[25 Sep 2006|04:31pm] |
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I hate being the only fucking one of my friends whos life is shit right now. I fucking hate this crap. I cant even hold up a fucking job, im always fucking broke SRE0T YQ3W T4H Q;OERH TYLQ;W waking up in the morning is never worth it anymore. and now my family is fucking broke and we might have to move and shit and i dont know what to do anymore. Why does more and more shit get thrown at me every day? i think its just more and more proof that theres no god. When bad things happen to good people. i fucking know im not a bad person. I dont hurt people, i dont talk shit about people all the time, i dont fuck around, im not a bad fucking person. And you know what i am a fucking victim and i hate this shit. I try to look at the positives but right now everything is so fucking uncertain and hopeless. And i literally have no one to confide in no one i can talk to, no one who can sympathize with. Im literally at a loss. I dont know what to do now. there isnt very many options. ive waited it out for months and it doesnt get better. what the hell is wrong with me?
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[22 Sep 2006|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Korn - Ball Toung |
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all i fuckin think about is women now. My life is getting back to one of those points where i just feel fucked up about women and relationships and love. i fucking hate all of it. I wish it was just something i never had to think about. Im sure if i had been in some like long term relationships i would have a little bit more of a positive outlook on this kinda crap but i cant now. Relationships are fucking amazing because when im in one or even on the verge of one i suddenly just feel confident and happy and i suddenly just feel wanted and that i have a reason to be around but when im not i just feel like shit and thats the worst part, that i can only get like that when im with someone. Im sure that sounds kinda like "Cam only wants relationships so he can feel good, what a sick SOB" but its not like that bah im gonna stop rambling.
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[21 Sep 2006|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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music |
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Golden Smog - Shooting Star |
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When i see the cold white fall, I always say this is my season.
Weather leaves, rain, heat. I will always say the same.
So many failed chances, So many over looked lives
and everyday I'm still blameing it all on me.
Ive lost my final knack, I felt the confadence drift away
I will always say this time it'll work, but in the end it bathes in futility
Ill say "this ones the one, this will stick to me"
Maybe another two years at sea will set me straight, give me the time to heal
Whats the use in trying though, if ive already forgot how to feel.
It gets harder to hit these fish, and drag them back to shore
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[18 Sep 2006|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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alright |
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music |
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Alexisonfire - That Girl Posessed |
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so if anyone actually wants to know i got the job at Mr. Sub and i get my training soon (yay money!).
so ive been feelin lonely lately, after my anger and stuff has subsided from the whole sarra thing thats all i really get. now i dont really mind lonliness cause im pretty used to it and crap its just annoying that its back now. stupid people. theres this guy at school named Trip and i think hes in love with me. i dont talk to him and i ignore him cause he creeps me out but he touched my back today and it scared the fuck outta me.
lesson: dont sit near him in english or vocal class.
oh yea i never mentioned im in a vocal music class 1st period at schol. im one of like 5 guys but its all good cause i get to learn to sing better and get a good vocal warm-up every morning. w00t. alright im out simpsons/south park are on. wonder what to do this weekend....
so i guess ill continue this now. i never really write anything significant anymore in here so i figure its 1:30 why not get some stuff out there? its odd where i am right now, i find it odd how just sitting on the couch thinking completely changed alot of stuff in my head. I used to feel like guilt or shame or something for things which are just part of my archatypes. I realized that mistakes are mistakes and there are still things i never want to tell anyone and never can but i dont care about them anymore i dont let myself feel like a wack-job anymore because of it. I dont seem to hate as much as i used to which is okay i guess. Im not necessarily more loving or anything but im just not constantly walking around feeling like i need to kill someone just to get some relief. i like where i am but im still not happy. its better than a month ago but i still feel theres so much more i need to have in my life. I wanna be truely proud and happy again, i had that before the summer and it was such an amazing feeling. I know ive been saying this for wow almost 2 years but i really hope i can get involved with someone this year. but the main problem with this particular year is that noone probibly wants to start a relationship when their gonna leave for school, so im kinda at a crap point in the sea. I think my chances of finding someone this year is low, maybe next year when i go to college and stuff, but i dunno. Thats something about my highschool life i wish in had, i wish i could have had at least 1 real loving meaningful relationship, other than my like 2 month things with 2 girls. ack when i put it that way it sounds pretty lame.
ive been thinking about something for a little while now, i wish i could go back to grade 9 and start over with all of the knowledge i have now. I think i could fix alot of mistakes i made. But these are the cards i was delt i guess and i have to live with a generaly bad high school experience but i still have a good 70 years ahead of me, so i guess i can catch up there. i dont really know what to do next with my life, guess i gotta step it out.
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camsalive's journal